


you're the cure, you're the pain

by whispersbrave



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-03-09
Packaged: 2018-03-17 04:02:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3514631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whispersbrave/pseuds/whispersbrave
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The saying goes something like, if you love something let it go. If it comes back, it's meant to be. </p>
<p>Or, where Zayn and Liam kiss, get together and break up. Not necessarily in the order.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're the cure, you're the pain

**Author's Note:**

> For [ bushra ](http://zayniejavadd.tumblr.com/).  
> I've been promising you a fic for the longest time, sorry about the lateness. 
> 
> As far as the fic is concerned, it's short. Just something quick to write, so don't expect too much.

He’s lounging on his sofa, in front of the television watching a rerun of Parks and Recreation when he hears a voice ring throughout the small apartment, “Liam, can you go and get the groceries, please?”

“Wasn’t it your turn to get them?” Liam shakes his head; this always happens. It is no new thing. Louis was the laziest person Liam could ever ask to share an apartment with. At first, he had been really critical of this arrangement. How could these two live together – both of them starkly different from each other, but somehow three years later, Louis was not only his roommate but also his best friend.

“Yeah, I’ll cover for you, next month, I promise. Just – I met this really cute girl last night at the café, and I asked her on a date,” and Liam resisted the urge to roll his eyes at Louis’ confession, “I didn’t think I would get a date with her, she’s really gorgeous, way out of my league – fuck these jeans – but she agreed to go out for a dinner, and yeah. I don’t want to mess this up, Liam, you know?” There is a thud and a crash and _fuck_ that follows, and Liam laughs because Louis has no doubt fallen to the floor trying to do three things at the same time. “Shut up, Payno. Don’t laugh at my struggle.”

“It’s not my fault you’re clumsy, almost as clumsy as Harry. Also, don’t make false promises, Lou. You’re never going to do the groceries. Go on your date, I’ll take care of this.”

“You’re the best, Li.”

“I know I am.”

His laugh carries through the halls of his apartment, as Liam grabbed his keys and shut the door to his apartment.

He thinks about Louis on his way to the grocery store, and just how great it was that Louis was getting his life on track – from the very promiscuous Louis that Liam met to the very monogamous Louis that he became. He’s happy that whoever this girl is has come in to Louis’ life, he is. But, it reminds him of himself from three years ago. His mother teased him, then, for how in love he had been; the innocent yet the not-so-innocent young that he shared with –

Three years, and he’s still trying to ease the pain that he created. To complete the whole that he himself created in his heart by pushing is one chance at a being happy.

Three years, two relationships, later he is still in love with him.

The selfish though consumes him: it could still be.

He’s almost at the grocery store; when his phone buzzes in his pocket, and when he pulls it out, a Tommo flashes up at him. _She brought a friend with her he’s visiting from America and he surprised her she didn’t want to cancel tho thats a good thing right?_

Before he even gets the chance to reply, his phone buzzes again, _fuck he’s fucking beautiful_

Again, _take him from here he’s intimidating_ – Liam scoffs, he must really meet this person who is making Louis Tomlinson feel intimidated. Chuckling, Liam types out, _could have kept him company if you bothered to do your grocery shopping_

Sighing to himself, Liam enters the grocery store a hello waved towards the cashier, a smile at the little children playing with the cards, when his phone buzzes again. _theyre from wolverhampton, li_

_do you think you know them_ – and Liam probably does. Everybody knows everybody, when they’re from Wolverhampton.

_they just mentioned a liam_ – They probably know that he’s studying at UCL, information passes quickly through the residents from Wolverhampton.

_Yep they know you_

_Do you know an Eleanor and a Zayn_ – Liam’s breath hitches because he hasn’t reached that acceptance stage of their break up. He certainly can’t do that with _him_ sitting there, in his house, probably on the sofa that Liam loves so much. Taking a deep breath, willing his fingers to stop shaking, Liam types out a _yeah I know them._

_Great! Come back they want to meet you_

Liam scoffs; Zayn doesn’t want to meet him. Not after what Liam did. Liam made sure of that.

He still remembers everything perfectly – the expressions, the emotions, the words – like it happened yesterday.

It’s there at the back of his mind, it’s been there for three years: “I don’t want to do this anymore, Zayn. I’m done.” And Zayn’s pleas, “Liam, come on. Whatever happened, whatever I did, I can fix it. We can fix it, Liam. Don’t push me away. Please don’t.”

“I’m sorry, Zayn. But I can’t. I can’t even pretend to try, anymore.”

And that had been the last of what Liam saw of Zayn: a teary eyed Zayn who rushed out of Liam’s room as if he couldn’t bear to look at Liam anymore. Liam doesn’t blame Zayn at all. If he had a choice, Liam wouldn’t have done that. He wouldn’t have turned to Zayn and broken his heart, in the process breaking his too. But – Zayn had to go to America for University. He got in to Stanford, at a scholarship. It was everything Zayn had worked for, and he was ready to give it up for Liam. Although, Zayn had never given his dream a second thought, Liam resented himself for that. For making Zayn choose between his dream and Liam. Though his decision sucked, Liam had to do it. He had to do it for Zayn.

How does the saying go, if you love it, let it go.

And that’s exactly what Liam did, he let Zayn go. (He’s been wishing for him to come back for three years, but he doesn’t deserve it).

Liam goes through the shopping as fast as he can; he wants to see Zayn. Even if it’s going to be painful; and for a second, he needs to see Zayn. He’s wished for that for years, and weeks. He’s going to take what he gets.

 

 

 

 

When Liam opens the door to his apartment, he’s met with a laugh that is all so familiar to him. He’s heard that laugh pressed against the nape of his neck, against his lips the first time Zayn and Liam had sex. Hearing it again causes a chill to run through Liam’s body. It’s a beautiful laugh.

“Li, is that you?” Louis calls out.

“Yeah, ‘s me,” Liam says, his voice is really soft to his own ears. He places the grocery bag on the floor next to the door and leans against after closing it. Is he really ready to face Zayn, after all this time, after all that he did.

Before he can do anything, go in to the living room, his arms are full of an excited Eleanor who’s hugging Liam extremely tight – she’s got a strong hold. “Don’t you ever disappear on me again, Liam James Payne,” she hisses in to his ear, presses a kiss to his cheek and punches his shoulder. “Do you realize how painful it was to not be in touch with you.”

“Yeah,” is all that Liam says, because his eyes are trained on Zayn. Zayn who, as always, looks beautiful in a fitted black button down tucked in to a pair of black jeans, and a gold belt. He always knew how to dress amazing, Liam thinks to himself fondly. “Hi,” he says as his eyes lock with Zayn’s.

“Is,” Liam can tell the moment Zayn gets angry, his body grows rigid, stiff and his eyes turn cold, “Three years and that’s all you fucking have to say to me, Liam? Hi?”

“Zayn.”

“Wait,” Louis, who’s been watching the exchange unfold between Eleanor, Zayn and Liam amusedly, interrupts. “What? So not only you know each other, there –”

“Lou, don’t,” Liam pleads. He can hear the desperation in his own voice. He gives Louis a look, a please-don’t-I’ll-tell-you-later look.

Eleanor’s hand around his waist loosens, and Liam turns to look at her. “Louis, I think we need to take our date outside. Let Zayn and Liam have a talk. Its been a long time pending.”

“But –”

“Liam will tell you everything. Just come with me right now, Louis, please. This will get ugly, and you nor I need to be here for it.”

“What the fuck, Payno,” Louis mumbles as he pulls his coat off the rack and comes over to Liam. As tiny Louis is compared to Liam, Liam feels miserably small under his careful glance. “Call me if you need me.” He turns to Zayn, “Please don’t kill him. I’m quite fond of him.”

“Stop with the dramatics, Louis,” Eleanor rolls her eyes, and Liam would have chuckled if it weren’t for Zayn’s glare staring him down.

“Yeah, let’s go, Eleanor,” he reaches up to ruffle Liam’s hair before he leaves.

 

There’s silence enveloping the entire apartment, Liam and Zayn looking at each other. Zayn’s anger, hurt and betrayal evident in his eyes. Liam’s brimming with tears. “Zayn –”

“No, Liam. You spoke enough for us, three years ago. It’s my turn. Today, better tell me exactly why you decided to dump me. We were going strong, we were happy. You were happy. I was happy. Was that not enough for you? Did you have to ruin things for both of us?”

“Zayn…”

“Liam,” Zayn snarls.

“I didn’t want to. But –”

“Liam. I think I deserve the truth. I’ve waited too long for this.”

“I – Zayn. You.. Stanford. I didn’t want..” Liam takes a deep breath, “You weren’t going to Stanford, Zayn. Us, our relationship was stopping you from getting what you dreamt off for years. I wasn’t going to let you throw it away for me. I wasn’t worth it. So I made a decision for both of us. You were going to go to Stanford. I wouldn’t want you to hate me for keeping you from it. I would hate myself if you didn’t get what you wanted.” Liam walks over to Zayn, cups his tear-stained cheeks, “Zayn, I always told you that I would bring the world to you. I meant it, Z. I meant it then, and I mean it now. I would have brought down the moon down to you, if I could. Giving you up so you could get what you always wanted seemed like the smallest thing I could do.”

Zayn pushes Liam away, “No. That wasn’t your fucking decision to make, Liam. I made a decision for myself. I wanted to be with you more than I wanted to go to Stanford. I was happy with the decision I made for myself. You had no right.”

“We were fucking kids, Zayn. We were eighteen years old. What if we didn’t last? What if we broke things off four months later. Then what? You would have given up something so huge and life changing for a boy who didn’t deserve you.”

“I never had a doubt about us, Liam. For me, you were it. You were the one I wanted to grow old with. I guess you just didn’t see that.”

“Zayn –”

“Liam. I loved you, wasn’t that enough for you?”

_Loved._

“I still love you, Zayn. I’ve always loved you. But what I could offer you was nothing compared to what you were getting. You deserved that. You deserve more. And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you, Zayn. I just wanted to make sure you got what you always wanted,” tears are falling freely, and Liam has to rapidly blink through them.

“Well you did hurt me, Liam. You ruined me. Yeah, I ended up going to Stanford but I was never happy there. I wanted you. I wanted to live my dreams, with you by my side. I guess you never wanted to be by my side when I lived it,” and with that Zayn walks out of Liam’s apartment.

 

When Louis returns, he finds Liam curled up on the floor, red and puffy with tears. And Louis, as cold hearted he is expected to be, he’s very protective of his Liam. Liam is his best friend, and finding the usual sunshine happy Liam in tears, shifts something in Louis. “Liam? Come on, babe. Let’s get you to your room, love.”

“Lou, Zayn hates me,” Liam whimpers as he curls in to a smaller ball.

“I don’t know what happened, Liam. But nobody can hate you, you’re too wonderful to hate. Come on, get up,” Louis says as he pushes Liam’s hair off his forehead, and grabs him from his arm. “Liam, you gotta help me out here, mate. You’re too big for me.”

“Zayn could pick me up like I weighed nothing.”

“Zayn is Superman, I’m really not. Come on, Liam. You’re going to be a right ass in the morning if you sleep here.”

“Zayn is Hulk, not Superman,” Liam opens his eyes, wide, and looks up at Louis like he’s being serious. This is not a joke to him. “He doesn’t like Superman. He likes Iron-Man, Captain America, and Hulk.”

“Liam.”

“He doesn’t like me either.”

“Liam, love.”

“I broke his heart Louis,” Liam gulps. “I hurt him and I hate myself for that. I hate myself.”

“Liam.”

“Louis, he was crying. I made him cry.”

“Shh, Liam. Everything will be okay, alright?”

“I’m all alone, Louis,” and how broken down Liam sounds destroys Louis, because fuck, that’s his best friend. His best friend has been dealing with a heartbreak; and Louis was too self involved to even know about it.

“You’re not, Leemo. I’m right here. I’ll always be here,” Louis says as he sits on the floor, wrapping his arms around Liam’s shoulders.

“You’re not Zayn, Louis. You’re not Zayn,” Liam whispers. “You’re Louis. You’re not Zayn.”

 

“I know, babe,” Louis says as he softly runs his fingers through Liam’s hair. It’s miserable seeing Liam like this, it really is.

 

Liam wakes up, wrapped up in Louis, on the floor in their living room. “Lou?” Louis has younger siblings, and so he’s a very light sleeper. The slightest of movement wakes him up.

“How are you feeling now, babe?” Louis asks as he rubs his eyes, and runs his fingers through his hair.

“Alright, I guess. I’m sorry for last night. It was just a bit too much to deal with.”

“You don’t have to apologize for crying and being upset, Liam. You never have to apologize for feeling. But I think, you and Zayn need to have a talk. A talk that does not end up with you in tears,” Louis says as he gets off the sofa, and cracks his back. “Eleanor told me what happened. You weren’t wrong but you weren’t right, Leemo. You should have spoken to him about it. It would have saved you a heartbreak too, don’t you think so?”

“Yeah, it would have,” Liam hangs his head in pain. Everything feels like it is too much. It makes him feel like he needs to get away, from everything. But he’s an adult, and _getting away_ is something he can’t do, so he takes a deep breath, and “how was your date with El?”

Louis’ eyes brighten up, and his lips spread in a smile, “she’s wonderful. We are going to go on another date, tomorrow, something that doesn’t involve your sorry ass.”

“Sorry,” Liam smiles sadly.

“Yeah you should be, you never introduced me to her before.”

“I haven’t – We haven’t spoken since,” Liam pauses.

“Yeah I know, since you and Zayn broke up. Is this why you’ve never gone back to Wolverhampton,” Louis says, it’s not a question. He knows the answer to his own question. Liam never went back because he knew he would run in to people - people who knew Zayn, and how he was doing. He could have run into Zayn himself, and the thought of that hurt Liam. Because he knew the next time he would see Zayn, he would want to wrap his arms around Zayn, kiss him, hug him. It was just for the better. So Liam cut off all ties with everyone back in Wolverhampton, and he never looked back.

 

(If Liam has a small black box in the back of his closet, that he takes out when Louis leaves. Nobody has to know. If he pulls the small silver band out, and runs his fingers through the engraved designs, it’s something that has nothing to do with Liam.

Zayn was wrong. Liam had always wanted to be by Zayn’s side. At eighteen he had never been more sure of anything else. He had saved up for months, and asked his parents to match the rest of the cost. He wanted to give Zayn the best.

But it never got to that point).

Two weeks later, and the scene is the same as it has been for the past fourteen days. Liam’s in bed, with no will in him to do anything. Niall, Harry and Louis have gone out clubbing, Liam was thinking about joining them, but since that night when he met Zayn, he’s really not in the mood to go out clubbing, dancing against men he doesn’t care to learn the name about, or messy blowjobs in the bathrooms. His mind always goes back to Zayn.

It’s not that Liam hasn’t thought about Zayn at all in the past. But he’s never been a constant presence in his mind, but this time, Zayn’s everywhere. He is in every breath that Liam inhales, and he’s in every breath that Liam exhales. Liam can’t understand how he went three years without every thought of his consumed by Zayn, because that’s all the last two weeks have been. _ZaynZaynZaynZaynZaynZayn._

He’s cuddled up in his blankets, in his spiderman pyjamas – a sorry sight, with a shave that hasn’t been taken care off, with his hair a mess, and Liam’s pretty sure his shirt has holes in it – when his bell rings. Annoyed, tired, sad, (anything that comes under the banner) Liam pushes himself out of bed and with effort on his part he forces himself to go to the door.

What is on the other side is something Liam isn’t really accepting, so when he opens the door and is faced by a Zayn who looks almost in the same state as Liam, Liam is taken aback. Zayn is standing in his doorway in a grey MTV sweater, his sleeves cut off, his hair tied up in a top knot. But his face looks exhausted, tired and drained. It’s exactly what Liam feels like.

“Can I come in?” Zayn asks.

“Of course,” Liam says as he steps away from the entrance, and allows Zayn to enter his apartment. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah. I spoke to my dad last night, he told me that I should talk to you. Not scream at you. But actually talk to you,” Zayn says, as he scratches the back of his neck.  “So I slept on it, and it came to me that I was really mean. I was really harsh on you, Liam. If it were you in my place, I would have done the same thing. I would have made sure that you got to do what you wanted to do. I wouldn’t want to be the one to stop you from doing what you are destined to do.”

“Zayn, please don’t –”

“Let me please,” Liam nods, wrapping his arms around himself making himself seem smaller like he is. It’s a nervous habit. Something he does when he is so close to crying. “As much as I hate you for breaking my heart, Abba said if you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have gone to Stanford. I would have never gathered up the courage to fly out across the world to live my dream. I would have never had a book in publishing, Liam. My life is going pretty great, thanks to you. But I’ve never been able to enjoy it, because I’ve always looked to my sides and expected you to be there, to hold my hand, to kiss me, to be there through out everything. Everything that I have achieved it just saddens me because it came at the price of the best person that happened to me. I don’t want that. I want you. I’ve always wanted you. I will always want you in the future,” Zayn takes a deep breath. “I want to give us another shot, Liam. Do you?”

“Yes, fuck, I love you,” Liam breathes, and it feels like he hasn’t done that in forever.

“Baby steps, Li, baby steps,” Zayn chuckles as he closes the gap between the two to press their lips together.

Liam can deal with baby steps, as long as Zayn is the one he’s with.


End file.
